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Ridley Scott made one of the greatest American epics ever in 2000 when Gladiator was released. It combated love, comedy, and the crazy thing Hollywood likes to call the entertainment industry. Now Scott’s Robin Hood is coming off as some sort of prequel or sequel to the Oscar-winning historical drama. After all, we’re here to discuss Robin Hood and not Gladiator. That’s one of the many screw-ups Scott makes. Instead of industrializing a new brand of the medieval avenger, he churns out a product that’s knowingly worked well before. Nix the Gladiator tone there’s not much to love.

2010 Robin Hood doesn’t make haste in telling its audience who the main character is: it’s Russell Crowe. “The dude from Gladiator!” It’s less story-oriented than it is Hollywood clutter, but here we go – Robin Longstride, soon to be known as Sir Robin of the Hood, is pissed off at the Sheriff of Nottingham (Matthew Macfadyen) for bleeding members of the town dry by increasing taxes. After English royalty King Richard’s (Danny Huston) death Robin travels to Nottingham where he meets Marion Loxley (Cate Blanchett). Attempting to win her over Robin gathers a team of men to balance dignity between upper and lower classes, i.e. stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. Scott explores a petrified backlog that’s nary interesting nor crucial. It’s like watching how Shrek came to live in a swamp, or how Rapunzel got her hair so long.

I’m not petty about a fresh take on an overheated story. Brian Helgeland, who’s credited for the finalized screenplay, seems to have his head in the right place. Why then, does Robin Hood lack so much heart? It could lie in Russell Crowe, who feels as if he’s phoning it in. At 46 and having front-run too many movies to count the man must be exhausted. This may just be me, but watching a bloated Robin Hood isn’t as fun as, say, seeing Johnny Depp topple wooden barrels and fight sea monsters in Pirates of the Caribbean. Those movies may not be what I’d define as “good”, but they at least try to have fun, even if strictly for a profit. Robin Hood is far too obsessed with self-righteousness yet still expects its own barrel of cash.

What I did like about Robin Hood is that it brings together some underrated greats: Max von Sydow, Mark Strong, Kevin Durand, Scott Grimes, and Danny Huston among them. The famed tale boasts rebelliousness and underground revolution, bands of ordinary people no longer able to take the deafening sound of their own government. If only they were used to their advantages. Strong seems to be copying his Lord Blackwood character from Sherlock Holmes while von Sydow…well, he’s not at his best, I’ll say that. Laeta Kalogridis was able to do more with less in Shutter Island. Here most of the dynamite cast is wasted. Except for Crowe, of course. Everything revolves around him.

As a whole Ridley Scott’s creation is indeed crowd-pleasing because it works. For the most part, anyway. If you take the time to analyze individual aspects of separate scenes then yeah, you’ll find flaws. Maybe even a lot. Robin Hood would have worked, should have worked, had it not been so damned narcissistic. I’ll bring up Pirates again. By no means is it perfect, but it’s established what type of series it wants to be. When (not if) Robin Hood starts up a new franchise it will no doubt be a very inconsistent one in terms of tone and who’s doing what. Scott and Crowe’s self-indulgent adventure has no time for fun. Releasing this movie the weekend after Iron Man 2, we sort of expected a good time. Save melancholy for the History channel and leave big bangs for the bigger screener.

Like Blanchett’s Lady Marion, Robin Hood exists only to bow before Crowe. Fret not over Robin Longstride’s legacy as Scott’s prequel of a movie, odd as it is to say, isn’t too much about him. Here’s your encore for digging Gladiator so much, guys. Another case of “not the worst movie ever made, but surely not the greatest.” I’m sitting on the fence right now. Cinematography by John Mathieson (who also shot Gladiator as well as many other Ridley Scott films) makes everything look pretty but I just can’t buy into it. A harrowing epic indeed, Robin Hood spills over with unjustified battle sequences, noise, and only enough blood to satisfy a PG-13 rating. Someone please shout “Sparta!” so I can go home.

SKIP IT.