In most movies, there is that one scene that makes you flat out groan; I even had one in Black Swan (great film.) Spider-Man 3 was just one long groan. But, one scene rose to the occasion of the worst, and anyone who’s seen it will tell you, Emo Peter Parker is awful.

Peter Parker is the loser and Spider-Man is his way of not only saving the world (or just a very small part of a world with no other superheroes, just extra villains) but also being cool. And I’m okay with that. It seems fair that he has a dark side in the black Spider-Man. Everyone needs an outlet to free themselves, be a little edgier. But here, he’s not darker; he’s doucheier.

A message to Peter Parker:

A dyed, swoop haircut doesn’t make you cooler; if anything it’ll make people like you less. But most likely, since no one knows who you are, they’re just going to walk by you and not notice. But you don’t like that do you? So instead of walking down the street like most people, you dance. That, my friend, is annoying. Stop dancing in the street! You know those looks that women are giving you that say, “That’s guys a creep!” Those aren’t in a good way. And that thing you’re doing with your hands? The rolling. No one does that anymore!

It’s one thing to get a new image. I’ll forgive the black suit; it’s a good suit. But get over yourself. If you were such a good superhero, you’d be saving the world (one city.) If you’re now a “bad” guy, you’d be trying to ruin it. But now, nothing is happening except you look like a fool.

A quick side note, there is a big difference between cool and emo. Apparently, no one working on set knew this and the result is a mixed can of nuts. (It’s a bad pun because he’s crazy!)

But, still, most unforgivable is ruining poor Mary Jane’s night. She’s such a cutie. I know she broke your heart, but c’mon. You want to wave poor Gwen in her face, I get that. But you do it with no class. None at all. As for making even MORE people miserable with your dancing, UGH! (Maybe dancing was a symbolic thing I didn’t understand? Nope.) Then, you don’t even let Gwen in on what’s going on. So you lose her too. Fool. But, then, Mr. Parker you do the unspeakable. You knock Mary Jane down…not cool. NOT AT ALL COOL. She’s a lady.

My point is you need to get a hold of yourself. Who are you? I miss the old you. We had some good times together. I’ve seen you destroy a green scientist and an octopus man. You held a bus from a skyscraper. Let’s be honest, the fact that you got Mary Jane in the first place is a pretty big accomplishment in itself, huh? You’re a pretty talented guy. Maybe it’s because there are now, like, 17 bad guys you have to fight without much direction whatsoever. I don’t know. I’m glad someone’s taking over for you though. You’re being kind of a diva…