I don’t know about you, but when I evaluate a Disney movie about a fictional sports team, I’m looking for a shred of realism.  I want to believe it’s legit as I watch the protagonists initially suck, lose horribly to the antagonists, get inspired by the coach to gradually improve, learn to respect one another, and then finally rally to win some sort of championship.  Doesn’t seem like too much to ask, but some films really test my limits.

Take “D2: The Mighty Ducks”, for instance.  Now, to give credit where credit is due, it’s great to see an athletic, confident African American teenager tearing it up on the hockey rink.  We certainly stand to gain from the breakdown of unfair racial stereotypes, especially as they relate to hockey (the world’s 27^th most popular sport).  However, Keenan Thompson’s patented “Knuckle-puck” is just ridiculous.

Let me get this straight – the puck initially travels in a straight line and then suddenly starts oscillating up and down before landing perfectly in the goal?  How did he physically accomplish that?  Newton’s Laws of Inertia dictate that an object in motion in one particular direction, but motionless in another, tends to continue along its original path, without moving in the alternative direction.  So basically, in normal human English, a hockey puck moving horizontally toward a goal cannot just start bouncing up and down by itself, out of nowhere.  It is a physical impossibility… unless the puck was loaded with magnets beforehand, and much bigger magnets hidden below the hockey rink forced it to move up and down like that.  Is that what you did, Keenan?  Did you cheat by using a sophisticated magnetic mechanism, you sneaky son of a gun?!  Don’t you dare lie to me.

And while I’m at it, how did Goldberg orchestrate that extensive modeling show at the boutique on Rodeo Drive?  He says “Uncle Aaron” at the door, and the store clerk just assumes he’s talk about Aaron Spelling.  That was retardedly easy for Goldberg to pull off.  We’re talking about a kid who, according to the science class scene in the first film, thought that the chemical substance making up over 90% of the human body was pizza.  It’s water, Goldberg.  Water.  Pizza isn’t even a molecule… it’s a series of complex macromolecules physically bound together to form a food product.  Duh.

Anyway, the point is, Goldberg is not sharp enough to pull off an intricate stealth mission, which is why he goes with the painfully obvious My-Uncle-Is-Aaron-Spelling move.  Would the snobby, uptight manager of a real Beverly Hills boutique fall for such foolhardy shenanigans?  I doubt it.  Get with the program, writer of “D2: The Mighty Ducks”, the acclaimed sequel to “The Mighty Ducks”!

Translation:  You’ve got to be (effing) kidding me.