I know Snow White is a Grimm fairy tale. But, for me, it will always be an amazing 1937 animated feature from Disney. I’m surprised it took until 2011 to take this on again. But, now that we’re here, they’re overcompensating with two mediocre films.

Snow White & the Huntsman looks okay for what it is. It’s action adventure-y and, in the trailer, they strayed from showing Kristen Stewart as much as possible. Smart people! But there seems to be reason for it as the trailer builds upon itself.

Mirror Mirror is a whole different beast. Looking to bank primarily on bad PG comedy, the trailer is somewhat trite. It’s hard to see why there is no focus on the Snow White character, and I’m also not sure there’s plot…There has to be, though, right? I’ve forgotten; is that a thing movies still have to have? Anyway, you know what there was a lot of? Julia Roberts.

For two films about Snow White, it strikes me odd that the two Evil Queens take priority (Charlize Theron in Huntsman and Roberts in Mirror Mirror). Luckily for Mirror Mirror, it doesn’t mention Snow White by name in the title. I bet that relieved a few people in the pitch meeting.

Executive One: So it doesn’t need to be about Snow White?
Executive Two: Bingo!

After the great pitch meeting, they decided on a movie about Julia Roberts making “funny” (bad) puns and using “clever” (bad) phrasings for another hundred and twenty minutes. After the success of Larry Crowne, one of the higher ups wanted to get her more dialogue but this time by tarnishing a classic fairy tale. Obviously Tom Hanks was the problem last time. Bazinga! Good one, guys. Haha. Jokes on you. We love it.

But the thing is we don’t. Because Mirror Mirror offers us nothing except Roberts. We get no glimpse into any motive. Although I think somewhere in between all her audio clips I got: Snow White = Bad. Price = Sexy Time. This is some pretty deep stuff we’re working with here. Hold on to your good looks.

What surprises me most is that Relativity Media didn’t market this film in a way that could show off the success of its last film Immortals. Maybe because Huntsman took it out from under them? Maybe everyone there really loved Pretty Woman. Who Knows? But the Mirror Mirror trailer,

You’ve Got to Be Kidding Me!